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Geoff Baker Stumbles Upon Solution For Mariners: Hit Balls In The Air/Far Friday, April 29, 2011

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Photo Courtesy Seattle Times

In an announcement today in the Seattle Times’ Mariners Blog, Mariners Beat Reporter Geoff Baker released the key to baseball victory in Seattle in his latest blog post.

“I’ve always been a big fan of fly balls,” the reporter mused. “But when fly balls go far, you get a point for them and the crowd gets all excited.  I’m certain the reason we managed to sweep the Tigers had something to do with the long ones.”

Baker’s reasoning was immediately embraced by team management, who made promises to do everything possible to “ensure more long fly balls in the future” according to a press release this morning.

Rumors also surfaced of a raise in Baker’s future for his outstanding coverage and insight.

“I’m proud of anything I can do to support this team I purport to love,” Baker continued. “Go Felix! YAY!”

Felix Isn’t Mad… Just Disappointed Monday, April 18, 2011

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After tying the worst start in franchise history through 15 games (1981), trade rumors were swirling around Felix Hernandez.  His struggles through his last three starts have been blamed on a so-called “frustration” with his teammates, culminating in a team meeting with Eric Wedge this weekend after his latest start.

While the Mariners had remained tight-lipped initially, one player finally addressed what happened during the closed-door session Monday morning on a condition of anonymity.

“Buster Olney’s way off on this one,” said the struggling anonymous Mariner who has only had two walks this season despite being lauded as a patient and pesky hitter.  “Felix isn’t mad at all, which is actually worse.”

Tears etching the corner of his eyes, the anonymous corner infielder continued.  “Wedgie had him (Felix) walk to the front of the room to tell us all how it felt to be let down like we did on Saturday.  When he got there, he opened his mouth, but couldn’t say anything.  He just sighed and sat back down.  It was like a knife in all our sides.”

“We all wish he would have yelled at us.  It would have been easier to take.  But when he just looks at you and you know you’ve lost his respect, that’s worse than anything.”

Felix was contacted by phone immediately after his teammate came forward, but didn’t have much to say.

“You love and support them and hope you’ve done right by them, and then this happens, and you don’t know what to say.  I’m disappointed, and I thought I raised them better than this, but you can only do so much as an ace.”

Photo courtesy gtn206.com

Milton Bradley Begins Annual Breakdown Friday, April 8, 2011

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Photo courtesy ESPN.com

With a 6 game home stand beginning tonight, left fielder Milton Bradley has decided to begin having his annual mental breakdown.  Despite a .333 average through 6 games and leading the team in hits, Bradley insists that everyone is out to get him.

“Sure I’ve got some hits,” said Bradley Friday morning, “But did I knock anyone in?  Nope.  My team’s deliberately hurting my statistics.”

While true that Bradley is the only regular position player without a run batted in, his accusations have elevated to a point that assures a total breakdown in the coming weeks.

“Where the [expletive] are my sunflower seeds?” Bradley screamed at the Ichiro bobblehead above his locker.  “Little [expletive] is always stealing my sunflower seeds.”

Along with theft, Bradley has also accused his teammates (and other inanimate objects) of playing horrible defense when he pitches, eating all the barbecue chicken wings before he gets there, not cleaning up their toothpaste mess in the sink, and hitting his wife.