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Milton Bradley Not Getting Hint Wednesday, May 11, 2011

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According to Mariners skipper Eric Wedge, Milton Bradley has taken to following the Mariners around the country.  He missed the first two games of the three game series in Baltimore, but is expected to arrive tomorrow morning to catch the finale.

Stranger still is Bradley’s choice of transportation, taking the time to “pimp out” an old VW bus to follow around the team around the country.

When asked via cell phone the reason for his bizarre behavior, Bradley simply responded that he thought it would be “a groovy thing to do.”

The former left fielder’s actions have already created a large following with dozens of Mariners fans imitating his actions in traveling the country to support their team.  While a name hasn’t been agreed upon to describe the phenomenon, it’s already sporting comparisons to the Dead Heads.  A movement hasn’t quite begun in earnest just yet, but a large group of fans were spotted selling Frappuccinos and Cloverdale “Mariner” hot dogs outside Camden yards this evening to finance a trip to Ohio to see the Mariners play the Indians this weekend.

Milton Bradley's New Transportation

Milton Bradley Begins Annual Breakdown Friday, April 8, 2011

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Photo courtesy ESPN.com

With a 6 game home stand beginning tonight, left fielder Milton Bradley has decided to begin having his annual mental breakdown.  Despite a .333 average through 6 games and leading the team in hits, Bradley insists that everyone is out to get him.

“Sure I’ve got some hits,” said Bradley Friday morning, “But did I knock anyone in?  Nope.  My team’s deliberately hurting my statistics.”

While true that Bradley is the only regular position player without a run batted in, his accusations have elevated to a point that assures a total breakdown in the coming weeks.

“Where the [expletive] are my sunflower seeds?” Bradley screamed at the Ichiro bobblehead above his locker.  “Little [expletive] is always stealing my sunflower seeds.”

Along with theft, Bradley has also accused his teammates (and other inanimate objects) of playing horrible defense when he pitches, eating all the barbecue chicken wings before he gets there, not cleaning up their toothpaste mess in the sink, and hitting his wife.

Milton Bradley, Josh Lueke, Adam Kennedy, Seattle Mariners Report For Spring Training Friday, February 18, 2011

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M’s Management Out of Cash: Can’t Convince Fans That Winter’s Over Monday, January 10, 2011

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GM Jack Zduriencik has made some incredible moves the past two seasons, with the acquisition and unloading of All-Star Cliff Lee easily topping that list.  Fans all over the Northwest sport t-shirts with the phrase “In Jack We Trust.”  And despite the abysmal performance of the Mariners in 2010, there’s still a lot of reasons to look for success in the future of this franchise.  The only problem as far as M’s management sees it, is a lack of funding.

“We’re strapped,” said club President Chuck Armstrong on Sunday night.  “I can’t really say where it all went, but we’re down and out financially.  We’ll be lucky if we don’t have to raise season ticket prices again.”

But despite these assertions from various team sources, the average fan just can’t seem to see past that.

“Things are looking up,” said local fan John Bremston from Bellevue.  “We just need to add a big bat, some pitching, and trade for a few prospects this winter, and we’ll be all set to win this year.  I know Jack won’t let us down.”

Other fans are less positive, but still expecting more from this offseason.

“We’re still building for the future, obviously,” said Spokane native Ryan Seeger.  “But there are a number of decent free agents out there that will let us compete this season.  A little more pop and this team’s gold.”

Armstrong can’t seem to get his point across.

“What do they want us to do?  [Milton] Bradley’s eating up 12 million and he’ll be riding pine all season.  We can’t trade Aardsma like we thought.  We already signed Olivo and Ryan to new deals.  Without a sudden influx of cash, we’re done,” Armstrong complained while snacking on a half eaten sandwich he found just outside Safeco’s left field entrance.

Mariners CEO Howard Lincoln had even bleaker view of the situation.

“Not only are we short, but we owe money.  Lots of it.  And Ichiro doesn’t take kindly to a late paycheck” Lincoln shuddered.  “He already took away my Wii.  I can’t live like this.”

(from left to right) Howard Lincoln, Jack Zduriencik and Chuck Armstrong hanging out on Edgar Martinez Drive Monday morning.